Recently, I’ve really embraced the fact that I love writing. However, I don’t get psyched writing about fitness. It just doesn’t do it for me.  I do not feel that macro counting and squats are compelling topics. They don’t spark a lot within me and I’m a personal trainer, so go figure. I think that’s why it has taken me so long to embrace blogging on my website because I’ve always felt the industry pressure to deliver content that people search for on google like fit tips, weight loss, workout plans etc. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love fitness and I love teaching fitness to others, but it has become so mundane that it doesn’t ignite a lot of passion within me and I am a person who is driven by passion. What does turn me on is the head game associated with the gym. I love the psychology behind fitness habits, now that shit gets me excited. My personal fitness philosophy is that your relationship with fitness is indicative of your relationship with yourself. It’s personal. That’s why people get so bent out of shape if they feel that someone is criticizing their workout or food habits. That being said, you can always count on me to deliver real talk about fitness but its not going to be low calorie recipes or the world’s best, body weight workouts. Sorry, but I write to influence your brain and make you question yourself and why you are doing what you’re doing. If you want regurgitated fitspo, don’t come knocking on my door, that doesn’t exist here.

So, lets talk brain, not braun.

Someone messaged me via instagram the other day and asked for fitness advice. They wanted to know how they can get more motivated to workout HARD EVERYDAY. My response was simple- “take the word HARD out of your internal dialogue”. Now, write or state your new goal without that impossible word in there:Workout every day. 

Has a much more tangible vibe to it, doesn’t it? I Would actually go as far as saying they should remove the ‘everyday’ part as well: workout.

Damn, that really takes the pressure off. 

Goal setting is the number one place I see my clients go wrong. It is blatantly clear that they are setting impossible standards for themselves and wrapping it up in the beautiful packaging of fitness goal setting. Let me tell you, as a coach who helps people set and reach goals for a living, I can confidently say that most people are going about it all wrong because most people are just simply too close to their own situation to see the journey clearly. Also, and almost more importantly, along with goals, people usually attach an unrealistic expectation as well. 

Look, I get it. We live in a world where lofty goal setting is applauded. Nobody looks down their nose and scoffs at the mom trying to train for a marathon or the guy that wants to workout everyday to have a huge chest and shoulders. That shows discipline right? Who wouldn’t want to have their drive and tenacity? But the real question isn’t where do you want to go, but rather where are you now? So often, I see people “set a goal” (yes, I put that shit in quotes) that is far too advanced for where they are at today. 

First rule of goal setting: You have to meet yourself where you’re at NOW or the goal isn’t really a goal, its a daydream. Goals need to be constantly tweaked. They should be revolving and changing to meet you where you’re at.

“Don’t wish it were easier, Wish you were better.”

-Jim Rohn

Lets look at an example: 

Jen is 42 years old, 30 lbs overweight and she’s hasn’t stepped foot in a gym in over 8 years. She used to do spin and aerobics here and there but was never really an avid gym goer. She never had weight issues until she hit her late thirties and she has been really discouraged. She saw an ad for one free month at LA fitness and she plans on working out hard everyday so she can loose weight and feel good about herself.

Jen tells her friends that she’s joining a gym and she’s going to GET IN THE BEST SHAPE OF HER LIFE.

Now, she’s 1 week in and she has only made it twice this week due to kids, work and traffic. She’s feeling discouraged because in her mind,  she is already failing.  She didn’t make it to the gym everyday, which was her goal. The picture she painted for herself in her mind, was a daily trip to the gym which should leave her feeling sore, effective and probably even seeing the scale drop.

So where did Jen go wrong?

Some might say that she doesn’t want it bad enough or that she’s making excuses and they might be right, but its so much more than that. 

SHE SET THE WRONG GOAL.

Jen should have said to herself: “I am going to join a gym so I can become more active”. She’s sedentary now, she never goes to the gym. Had she set that goal to become MORE active, she would have accomplished it already in week one. She went to the gym twice. That is indeed MORE active than she was previously. Now, Jen believes that she is capable of accomplishing the goals that she sets for herself, now she is motivated to set more. So in the second week, maybe she decides to get more specific: “This week I am going to the gym three times”. She already had great success in week one attaining her goal, her chances of following through in week two are now much higher.

This might seem like common sense but its not. I deal with multiple variations of this scenario day in and day out. I talk to people about getting fit and loosing weight and getting control of their life. Ultimately, if you can’t control your weight, health or what you put in your mouth, you’re going to have a hard time feeling good about yourself- FACT. But people don’t see where their roadblocks really are so they tend to set overly intensive goals as a way to gain control. 

Henry Ford said it best “whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right”. Being a Detroit girl, I love this quote by Ford. I even have a coffee mug with this quote emblazoned across it. I live and die by this quote and rely on it to get me through some real tough obstacles in my own life. Essentially, what ford is talking about is self efficacy, or confidence. Your personal belief in your ability to, or not to, accomplish something.

“Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

-Henry Ford

Have you ever made a to do list, and then you accomplished something extra that day not on your list? Then you write that task down on your list anyway and promptly put a check mark after it because it feels good?  Ya, I do that too. That’s you giving yourself a pat on the back and feeling good about accomplishing something. You just boosted your confidence in your ability to get stuff done today.

What I’m suggesting is to stop packaging your desires for a better life inside of a brutal, copy & paste fitness goal setting rule book. Throw that shit out and do not be embarrassed to start small.

If you can’t say no to dessert because you have cravings that get the best of you, requesting a strict meal plan from your trainer isn’t going to make your cravings go away. It’s going to set you up to feel even more restricted. Choosing more challenging goals, when you’re already struggling is why people start a fitness journey only to derail and self sabotage 3 weeks later.

I always work with my clients on getting to the root cause of their dissatisfaction with themselves. If I have a client that isn’t getting the results they want and they come into their session with a new, intense goal, I press them to answer the question: “Why?” The reason WHY is so important in goal setting. If your desired outcome isn’t inline with your goal, you’re going to fail. I always use the analogy of a marathon because I hear this goal too often. People literally want to enter races ALL OF THE TIME. Clients who are overweight and not losing weight, people who are miserable in their lives or those who are stagnant and not following their prescribed fitness plan that I have laid out for them. Most importantly, the second people become unmotivated, they always want to bounce back with THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE GOAL and it floors me every time.

So look, here is what I’m saying- you can run a marathon if you want to. But, if your reason, your WHY, is that you really really want to lose weight and you just can’t get motivated to do what it takes to lose the weight, then before you go sign up for that damn race, follow this simple exercise:

(get out a piece of paper)

1. Write down your WHY.

( To get serious and lose weight)

2. List 3-5 things that you do or don’t do that are preventing you from accomplishing that WHY.

(I skip workouts, drink wine every night and slack on meal prep.)

3. Pick one of the answers to question number two and give me two solutions to that specific problem.

(Skip workouts-

 a. I prioritize work over myself.

 b. I am not motivated at the end of my work day and I want to be home with my husband and kids.)

4. Provide one solution to each above obstacle.

(a. Set boundaries with the amount of work that I do above and beyond my job duties and expectations of my boss.

b. Workout in the morning before work so life doesn’t get in the way of my personal goals.)

5. Choose one of the actions listed in number 4 that you can commit to changing and work on that for two weeks.

6. Keep re-working this step by step solution model until you get to the point where you are feeling confident in your ability to achieve fitness goals in general. Then reevaluate your original goal: do you still want to run the marathon?

If the answer is still yes, then HELL YA!! Go for it, girl, get that damn medal and free race day shirt. Now you can feel confident in your ability to go out and achieve whatever you put your mind to. Especially a marathon training program. Your self efficacy is high and you have learned how to self advocate which is going to really make your marathon training experience much smoother.

So, what I am saying is, skip the narrative that your goals need to be jaw dropping to be worthy. You’re worthy. No matter how small the goal. And all of the little, smaller goals along the way carry just as much importance. The journey is yours, nobody else. Choose goals that set you up for success. Oh, and If you’re not feeling motivated, look within. Get your validation from yourself, not the nincompoops on instagram. They don’t know shit and they took that selfie 20 times before they edited it and posted it. Just sayin.

In good health,

Kimberly Elliott

Detroit born and my goal setting is as solid as general motors, BAM!!

So, life threw you a curveball? Your navigating your way through a lay-off, a divorce, a death? It’s kind of intense, huh? 

As I sit here in front of my computer, drafting this blog in hopes that it reaches thousands of fitness enthusiasts who need some motivation, I can honestly say that I am right here with you. I’m in the muck and the mire. I’m at my lowest low and the lesson I have to share is a very fresh wound. Too fresh, perhaps, but I’m a fan of the raw, written word so why deviate from who I am this late in the game?

As I peck away at my keyboard I am exactly 106 days past losing my father to a horrific plane crash. As these words flow from me about fitness and how to get back to it after life hands you a steaming, hot cup of shit, I can tell you that his body has not been found, his plane is sitting on the bottom of the Puget Sound, just outside Seattle, and nobody is doing anything about it and…

IT HURTS.

IT IS UNFAIR.

I FEEL LIKE A VICTIM.

You know that old Neil Young song ‘Helpless’? I play that shit on a loop. So excuse me if I don’t really give a flying fuck about my squat max right now, ok?

So, I don’t know where you’re at, but I’m assuming that you’re reading this because you have lost the fire in your belly to voraciously attack your fitness goals. Welp, climb on into my boat: I have no oar and I don’t know where I’m going. I lack that same drive too and IT IS OK.

In case no personal trainer or coach has ever said that to you before, let me be the first. It’s ok to experience periods of time where you just don’t give a flying fuck about anything related to gym, macros and abs. But herein lies the lesson: this isn’t the time to throw in the towel and binge eat your way through life. There is something to be said about the grey. Not black or white, but grey. It’s beautiful in all of its shades from light dove to deep and ominous charcoal. White is the equivalent of not caring enough to get out of bed and black is the opposite- stepping on stage in a physique contest with a full 6 pack shredded. There are so many in-betweens that are worthy of celebrating and patting oneself on the back.

So enough of this, lets talk steps. Are you READY?

1. Grieve/pout/feel– just do it. Own your emotions. Drink, smoke, eat some shit food. Its going to happen. I did this and it felt terrible. For 10 days after I received the call that shook my core, I skipped meals, drank booze and smoked so much weed I don’t think I was sober once in that 10 days stretch of pain. By day 11, I hated the way I felt. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Going to that place really makes you appreciate the strict fitness lifestyle that you are normally living with ease. Now, how do we get that feeling back?
2. Take action, no matter how trivial- One foot in front of the other. You must move your body. This is where people get lost. They want to jump back “into their old routine” but It’s not that easy. You were a different person in that routine- different priorities ruled your world and whatever shit your going through right now has changed you and your perspective. Maybe even changed your priorities in life. LACK OF ACTION BREEDS ANXIETY. That statement is the one, hard, fast rule that I have taken with me from years of counseling. When you do nothing, your anxiety worsens. But it’s the DO SOMETHING that is so hard. So now what?
3. Make an appointment– With a trainer, a friend, a meet-up group. It really doesn’t matter as long as you feel accountable to someone or something to show up. When I was in Seattle for three weeks, sifting through the wreckage of my new reality, there were days I COULD NOT get out of my goddamn bed. So one morning, I took action. I went to my google maps, typed in fitness/gyms and pulled up all gyms in the area. I found one that offered group classes and I signed up online. It was 730am and I made and appointment for 9am. I needed something to get me out of bed. I went, I got sweaty, I stayed the whole class. 60 mins later, I felt so much better. I checked that box. It quelled the anxiety and my actions made me realize that I was going to be ok. It wasn’t an earth shattering workout. I didn’t learn anything new or break records, but I was reminded of how strong I am, physically and mentally, and when you’re wading waist high in river of pain, you need to be reminded of that.
4. Create new goals- even if they are acute and short term while in this phase. Divorce? Lost your job? Lost a relationship/pet/opportunity? THAT SHIT CHANGES YOU. Some of us bounce back right away and some stay changed forever. Whatever your reality, you need short term goals. Maybe training for the marathon isn’t even feasible anymore and that’s ok. You can always go back to it. For now, how about you just enjoy a 30 minute run in the morning because you love running? Remember those days where you just did stuff because it felt good and not because you had some lofty, hard pressed goal to achieve? Don’t beat yourself up because its not your prescribed miles for the day because it’s still SOMETHING. It is more than sitting on your ass and having a pity party. So, break a sweat, release endorphins and get grounded. Can’t lift like you were before? Thats ok. Sometimes our emotional anguish takes an immense physical toll on our bodies. We don’t see what is happening below the surface but research has shown that we have a strong mind-body connection and there is a physiological stress response to emotional trauma. Stop beating yourself up! The strength comes back. The deadlift max will be there later. Now is the time to honor your soul. Workout to feel good, not look good. Hit the pause button on those feelings for the time being.
5. Log your activity- Nothing feels better than seeing your accomplishments in writing because it’s real, tangible and quantified. What your brain is telling you is the opposite. Your internal dialogue is usually influenced by emotions. It is saying “You’re being lazy”, “you’re not good enough”, “you’re slipping back into old habits” and in reality, none of that is true. Don’t believe that mean voice inside your head. Write that shit down and look back over it every week. If you’re taking action daily, then you’re gong to have some really great stuff written down in that journal. You will have gone on some great hikes, run a few miles, logged some weights lifted and had check-ins at your local Cross fit. Things will have been accomplished, boxes will have been checked and you can feel good about that.
6. Embrace your season- life is a series of seasons. Summers of accomplishment and winters of hibernation. All seasons come to an end, so will this one. Be nice to yourself. If you are reading this, then jot this article down as an action. You sought out advice and help and hopefully it has sparked something in you to keep going. Now you have some advice to comfort you in knowing that you’re not alone and a plan off action to welcome change.

Life is a bitch. It chews you up and spits you out. It hurts and it’s unfair. But it is also a journey of transformation. Every time life peels a layer off of us, we have the opportunity to reinvent who we are and how we handle what is thrown at us. Fitness, and our discipline or lack thereof, is an expression and reflection of our relationship with the self. Lift yourself up and provide yourself with the tools for success.

In good health,

Kimberly Elliott

Proud daughter Of Lee Gordon Elliott

6/22/1947 – 5/27/2018 

Last week, I got to reminiscing about my childhood. I grew up in Detroit, MI, and thinking about how I grew up and what kind of person I was, I realize how  it all seems so different from who I am today. I hopped online and began looking up my old high school and I remembered a major learning moment in my life: my time on the high school swim team and, especially, my swim coach. After one quick google search, I learned that he is still coaching and was even nominated as coach of the year a few years ago. I felt compelled to reach out to him, not to get anything in return, but to share with him a little bit about my journey as an athlete and how my season with him impacted me. Here is what I said:

---

Dear Coach Greg,

This is going to be so random–trust me!

I was on the SHS girls swim team in the fall 1994 season when I was a freshman. I was new to being an athlete. I hadn’t yet learned the role sports & competition would later play in my life. Im sure you don’t remember me. In fact, Im willing to bet you do not remember me even after reading this email, but maybe you have our old team picture filed away somewhere and it might jog your memory.

Im writing to you because I am now a coach and trainer. My life was forever changed because I became a competitive athlete and I often flash back to my brief time with you as my coach because that was definitely a low point in my life. All of my shortcomings presented themselves at that time, only then, I didn’t understand how or why they prevented me from being a standout on the team. I understand now. In fact, believe it or not, I often reference the time you were so mad at one of our practices that you shoved your desk across the deck and I can’t remember if it actually made it into the pool or not but I remember being scared and also impressed at how you let your disappointment and anger out that day. But I still didn’t understand why our lack of performance made my coach so mad. I understand now. I understand how personal it is when your athletes don’t perform to their full ability.

I was writing a post for my new website the other day and tears began flowing as I recalled and wrote about why I didn’t letter the season I swam for you. Its a lesson that I learned but only appreciate now. I didn’t realize the deep shame I’ve carried in me all these years as a result. I wanted to share this story with you now:

I used to be so afraid of competition because ultimately, I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to lose. To let someone down, to under perform. To not meet expectations. I was so scared of not being good enough that I subconsciously held myself back from trying.  I am referring to my short, 1-year stint on my high school swim team. The biggest accomplishment and badge of honor that a swim team member could have after the 1 year mark, even as a freshman, was the high school letter on a letterman jacket. Especially at Stevenson High School in 1994. And I didn’t get one.

My coach had 2 prerequisites for lettering: a 2.8 GPA or higher and participate in every meet.

I used to get horrible nausea from performance anxiety before every meet. I hated meets. I had an absolute fear of competing. I hated swim meets, but liked the practice. I liked belonging to something but I hated the discomfort of my muscles aching and my lungs burning as I struggled to breathe under the water and I swam my ass off only to never come in first. I wasn’t a great swimmer and I wasn’t a good athlete. I was average at best. I was just coming out of two years at a Junior High School where I allowed myself to be bullied every day and my self confidence was down to that of a cockroach. I just didn’t have any fight in me. I wasn’t a stand-out, and more importantly, I  didn’t show my coaches any behavior that warranted them investing extra time in me. I basically sat back and collected my participation ribbon and that was it.

I will never forget that one swim meet where my anxiety got the best of me. This time, I told my coach that I was sick and I could not swim my event. Reluctantly, he allowed me to call for a ride and go home. For whatever reason, my mom took forever picking me up that evening. I ended up hanging out at the school for at least half of the meet. Just lolly gagging around in the hallway, dragging my feet, kicking rocks, waiting on my ride and feeling relieved that I wasn’t in the pool getting my butt kicked. I felt really guilty but not guilty enough to override my laziness.

I rounded the corner of the hallway and there was my coach. Walking towards, and past me, on his way to somewhere. Our eyes met and he knew I wasn’t sick and I knew that he knew. He said nothing to me. 

Fast forward to the end of season banquet. My name was called for my certificate of acknowledgment that I participated as an athlete in the season. No letterman letter was attached. I was the only athlete that didn’t letter that year. I watched all my teammates accept their honor except for me. I felt like such a loser. A failure and a standout in the worst way. All the things I was afraid I would be had I competed that day.

So what did I learn?

I learned that failure follows you wherever you go. It boils down to the mindset of achievement. Either you have it or you don’t. And if you don’t have it, you have the choice to go and get it or stand idly by and wait for that yellow participation ribbon.

I read this story out loud to my husband and sobbed while doing so. Therefore I knew in my heart, that this experience meant something to me. Its a scar that I carry and subconsciously I make sure that I never go back to being that version of myself ever again.

After the 1994 season, my mom moved us to Arizona. I never swam again. I was intimidated even more because I grew up in Livonia my whole life and being a shitty swimmer at a new school with no friends was not something I could emotionally handle at that time. I went through high school being insecure and gained a lot of weight. I graduated fat and yada yada….

I am now 38 years old and I own a gym called Alpha Elite Fitness. I believe there is freedom in discipline. I do not call myself a trainer but instead, a coach. We push our clients outside their comfort zone by any means necessary. My slogan at my gym is “we aren’t for everybody, but we should be”.

We drop f-bombs and we are gritty. People are “intimidated” by me, which is so weird. Apparently I’m “scary”. But they respect me because I always share my truth about where I came from and why I am the way I am now. And of course, my swim coach Greg, throwing his desk, is an often shared story.

I took up the sport of may thai kickboxing at 19 and have competed since, stepping in the ring without fear and ripping the head off my opponent.

I no longer collect yellow participation ribbons.

I just wanted to reach out and say thanks.

Being a coach, I know how meaningful it is when and athlete says “hey, you made a difference in my life and heres how…”. So I’m doing that for you now.

You made a difference in my life because you didn’t go above and beyond to invest in me. I didn’t give you anything and you didn’t give me anything back. I needed to know what that felt like and now I know. I wanted someone to invest in me. I wanted validation. But I wanted it without doing the work. Thank you for not rewarding my sub par behavior with the gift of attention. Thank you for being a coach and not a cheerleader who doles out pats on the back just because.

Kimberly Ann Elliott